The London Burlesque Festival
Twisted Burlesque
The Moth Club
21 MAY 2017
£15
I've always wanted to go and see some Burlesque, to celebrate the beauty of women and how fabulous we all are no matter what shape or size. Burlesque, I have found, tends to celebrate the curves - something which needs attention in this size zero world of stick insects. So when I saw the London Burlesque Festival advertised - quoted as "the most prestigious event in any cabaret dance fans calendar" I was sold.
There was a multitude of different nights to choose from, from traditional Burlesque, to Drag Burlesque, to Twisted Burlesque. I was intrigued to see the Drag Burlesque, my boyfriend Tom obviously wanted some Traditional Burlesque (shock). We opted for the 'Twisted Burlesque', thinking it would be mix of what we both wanted. Oh how wrong we were.
Held at 'The Moth Club', the event was as dingy as it sounds. We left Greenwich earlier that day, deciding we'd get some food in Hackney before. Sadly, the only place other than a KFC and Subway we found to eat around Hackney Central was a Picturehouse cinema... I don't want to sound like a snob, but seriously, don't go to Hackney Central for a nice meal. The Moth Club itself looked like a smaller, worse version of a gritty northern pub, like somewhere Billy Elliot's Dad would drink (again, I'm not being a snob, Billy Elliot's dad just wasn't a very nice person). Through some small wooden doors there was the 'Ballroom', which had gold glitter ceilings and red velvet booths. It felt as if you had stepped into a time capsule and come out the wrong end of the 70s.
We were introduced to our host, who was probably the best part of the show. Confident, funny (most of the time) and ballsy. The acts however, were positively awful. The first act was a tall, very slim girl dressed as an alien who mimed terribly to a background track and then seemingly swallowed a whole balloon. As well as deepthroating a load of rubber, her nipple also fell out making the whole thing seem disjointed, unrehearsed and a bit cringe. The acts didn't pick up from there - we had another nipple slip with a woman impersonating a grandma dressed as a duck, whilst she was in the middle of a hardcore windmill sesh. A woman dressed as a vampire spat blood on her breasts and rubbed it down her body, and another terrifying looking bald woman stapled paper to her own leg and shoved nails up her nose.
Now, you might be thinking 'well what were you expecting - choosing TWISTED burlesque'. Well, I tell you now - I was expecting some BURLESQUE. These acts were doing anything but dancing, and their performances were anything but sensual. There was one woman who stepped in for an act who hadn't bothered to turn up, she was a traditional Burlesque dancer, but even her show was shit. Anyone can go on stage, undress to a piece of dental floss between your bum, bend over a bit, pour some hot wax from a candle on yourself and then finish it by putting on some leather boots. To be honest, the fact she was even trying to be good (I think somehow the others must have known their acts were awful), made her show the cringiest of all.
What worries me, is that this is the biggest Burlesque Festival in the WORLD, with supposedly 'established' performers. I'm sure, and hopeful that there are some half decent Burlesque shows out there, but this one has well and truly put me off finding them for a while at least. I will never return to a 'London Festival of Burlesque' event again, and will advise others to steer well clear.
OVERALL RATING: * (... if that)
http://www.londonburlesquefest.com/
